I can’t say I planned to disappear, but somehow an entire month has gone by. The school week isn’t even over yet, but I remembered this diary last night, so I suppose it is time to sit down and write honestly about myself.

Whenever someone asks, “How’s school?”, my answer is usually, “Not bad. The English-speaking environment is just a little hard to get used to.” Studying entirely in English is a challenge for us, of course, but it is hardly the only one. I chose EAL, CFL, Mathematical Methods, Physics, Chemistry, and Economics—a fairly STEM-heavy load. There is now the tiniest possibility that I could carry all six into Grade 12 and sit every exam without dropping a single subject. That would multiply the workload, but it might also mean a scholarship and… other things.

I suspect the only reason I would even entertain the idea is that I think rather highly of myself—that I am smart, that I can come out on top academically. But really: how could a lazybones who cannot be bothered to catch up on his CFL homework, a terminal procrastinator whose Economics assignment is nearly a week overdue, a coward who refuses responsibility, a prodigal who runs wild the moment external pressure disappears—how could someone like that possibly study well? Perhaps I built good study habits in middle school. The momentum has carried me a long way, but it will fade eventually. When it does, will I be unable to keep moving under my own power?

What is the point of saying all this? The workload will not magically disappear. I still have a Mathematical Methods lesson to teach today, a Chemistry review session this afternoon, and a festival program due this week. Why am I spending time on this instead?

Perhaps so that, once I find my direction, I can look back on the time when I was lost.